Between the time when the Ottomans drank Byzantium and the rise of the sons of Ulm, there was an age undreamed of.

And unto this, Crimea, destined to Raze the Dragon throne of China upon a hill of skulls.

It is I, Khan Snapper, who alone can tell thee of the saga.

Let me tell you of the days of high Shock bonus!

-Redacted beginning to the Secret History of the Crimean Khanate

– Khan Snapper of Blind Evil